(disclaimer: it is highly likely that somewhere in this post i will use profanity. if it offends you, you can either a: not read this or b: piss off)
ok, so, we "christians," as diverse and divided as we are, believe for the most part that God (HWHY of the bible) created us in His image. we believe, on biblical evidence, that he imbued us with his creativity, will, aspects of his personality, etc. we're not dumb enough to believe we're exactly like God, but something like a little baby version, a mini-me. we had the choice of good and evil, we picked evil, and now we're screwed unless we accept God's supernatural act of redemption and allow Him control over our lives, which we would otherwise botch.
now, nobody denies humanity is really messed up. that's one fact in the whole dogma that we cannot escape. there is a little trace of hitler or stalin or pol pot in all of us, and it taints our actions and motivations. but here's the rub in the christian story that has nagged at me for a while (you realize this is a faith i've followed my entire life?) - WE PICKED EVIL. we embraced it, and we have ever since. the vast majority of the population, by any christian denomination's standard, is going to hell. right? can you actually argue against that point? even the bible says the road to destruction is wide and many follow it.
now, even as a christian, i find that the majority of myself wants to follow the vast and desolate path. most of me, at the end of the day, wants to get drunk and fuck something. i don't, but i have and continue to tread on the line in many ways - maybe i don't have sex, but i indulge in the lustpornruboneoutsorrydeletebrowserhistoryneveragain cycle. maybe i don't get drunk, but i glamourize alcohol and have more than i rightly "should." maybe i don't explicitly desire fame or power, but those subtle drives color everything i do and say - even this very honesty about myself is likely founded on the desire for attention! so the point is, i want, for the most part, nothing good. even as a christian.
now, the problem isn't that i don't read the bible - it's that I DON'T WANT TO. i don't want to pray, i don't want to go to church. i do, but i don't want to, and that's the heart of the problem. essentially, when i look at myself, i see a man who has a lot of apparently wrong desire within him, but who allows it to leak out in ways that are either acceptable or hidden to the christian community. in that way i don't think i'm that different from the majority of christians. i'm a heart of darkness cloaked in a husk of habit, ritual, and perhaps a skin of truth. obviously there's something to me that doesn't want to give in, otherwise i wouldn't even be writing this. in sum, the problem is the desires that i find at the core of me are in direct contradiction to the christianity of the bible but in complete harmony with the world.
so if i am created in God's image, AND saved by grace, why do all my desires run counter to these two facts? is it a matter of more work or effort on my part? that also flies in the face of the bible, i think. so is it God's job? He doesn't really seem up to it at the moment. i just don't understand where to go or what to do to fix it. i get really frustrated by church, i don't want to read the bible, when i ask God to show up he usually doesn't do much or i just end up making stuff up to fill the void his voice should.
there's not really answers to this at the moment, and i don't expect the people who read this blog to provide any. but maybe there's some people who feel this way in spite of what they somehow, against all odds, keep doing - going to church and trying to talk to God. i guess i'll keep on, maybe, but something needs shifting.
sorry if these things keep running in the same vein. you'll get over it.
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"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9 "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God" 2 Timothy 3:2-4.
What is the conditions of mens hearts but perpetual evil? In the last citation who can truly say they dont qualify under 10 of those? Without Christ as a mirror to compare our character, how would we ever note these flaws? Of course, realizing that there is a problem is inherently solves nothing. "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." Matt 19:21
Its not enough to compare oneself, but also to gird your loins and take up your cross; that is completion. Taking up your cross isn't the end of problem by no means, rather the true beginning. "Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division" Luke 12:51. The battle begins, not only among men, but among your own flesh. In this conflict we really begin to realize the nature of our depravity, and we too call down curses on ourselves; we go out and weep bitterly.
"For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but i am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but the sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but the sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For i joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but i see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" Romans 7:14-24 Truly, that is fighting the good fight, not in the deceiver's vestiges of men, but the deceiver's hold on ourselves. The struggle of duplicity ends in two cases; when He let's us rest, or when we slip into complete depravity.
The deceiver works in his subtle ways but with his familiar tools; deceit, doubt, and discouragement. He deceived Eve in saying she had something to gain by transgressing the ordinance. He was able to do that by causing her to doubt God's promise and authority, and discouraging Eve's acceptance of the sincerity of God's good will and love. This was also the case in the tempting of Christ in the wilderness, offering Christ authority and the same promises guaranteed by God since before the creation of the world.
"He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44. The deception here is this, "You're not who you think you ought to be." Same lie told to Eve, same lie told to Saul, same lie told to Christ on earth, Simon, Timothy, and the same lie told to everyone who is too ashamed to face the falsely perceived scrutiny of Christ.
The truth is this; God isn't interested in who you think you ought to be. Christ isn't interested in that. "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23. If you're not having troubles daily you couldn't be denying yourself daily. God is far more interested in your struggle against overwhelming oppression, that's what matters to Him, taking up your cross is really facing the recourse of shrugging off sin and fighting the good fight continually until HE wins the battle of sin.
"For if Abraham was justified by his works, he has something to boast about, but not before God." That would be the lie, that Abraham was justified by his own hand, by his own opinion of who he thought he ought to be. The truth is this, "But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness." Romans 4:3,5. Faith is what made Abraham righteous, not his actions upon is faith, not walking in the truth, but solely the belief that what God has said IS.
That faith is captured here, "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord" Luke 1:45. God has issued no condemnation for being in struggle, but rather commendation, amen. "For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son... and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified." Romans 8:29-30. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." Romans 8:1-2
The lie is: You're not who -you- think you ought to be.
The truth is: Grace is not subject to the debtor's finances, but is subject to the creditors love & mercy. If the creditor puts aside your debt, even if you disagree, as the one owing you are in a position to overwrite that. "If God is for us, who is against us?... Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns?" Romans 8:32,34. No one is of themselves deserving of that forgiveness, but "your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32.
If you want to be righteous you wont find your cleanliness in your own garments, rather in those prepared by Christ for you, whiter than any bleach could make them. Brother, don't accept the deception and become discouraged. Don't accept the dual nature of God's chosen as defeat or imperfection, rather let it lift you up to know that although "all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment; And all of us wither like a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, take us away" Isaiah 64:6, He has still chosen us. Despite our innumerable follies & unattractive nature, He accepts, defies, justifies, sanctifies, and molds us to his glory, amen. Jared, He knows you struggle, but thats WHY He cherishes you, thats what sets you apart. Don't allow the deceiver to let you turn your greatest asset, and indeed claim to our Father, into a liability. He has no right to accuse us if indeed God condemns. And if God justifies, we need not fear his condemnation. If God is willing to share His house with *us*, in our condition, it makes only the strongest testament to His nature, to His love, and His mercy.
In closing, 'forgiveness of sins' is not as tat-for-tat as we think, but rather a forgiveness and foreknowledge of our crippling sinful nature. Keep that close to heart in reading the final citation. “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
For He has visited us and accomplished redemption for His people,
And has raised up a horn of salvation for us
In the house of David His servant—
As He spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets from of old—
Salvation 'From our enemies,
from the hand of all who hate us;'
To show mercy toward our fathers,
And to remember His holy covenant,
The oath which He swore to Abraham our father,
To grant us that we, being rescued from the hand of our enemies,
Might serve Him without fear,
In holiness and righteousness before Him all our days.
And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;
For you will go on 'Before the Lord to prepare His ways;'
To give to His people the knowledge of salvation
By the forgiveness of their sins,
Because of the tender mercy of our God,
With which the Sunrise from on high will visit us,
'To shine upon those who sit in the darkness and the shadow of death',
To guide our feet into the way of peace." Luke 1:68-79
-herr cobbler
"All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
People should read this.
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