ok so after two very helpful comments by darren and jeff, and a good conversation with rob, i think there might be at least a few bullet points to glean from my recent issues:
1) when it comes down to it, it's faith - just letting go and throwing it all on God and trusting that He'll take care of it.
2) rob said it might have a lot to do with how you speak, like Christ said (paraphrased) what comes out of a man is what defiles him. so perhaps it's time to be more careful of what i say
3) it is all despair without Christ, even if that very despair is incredibly alluring. them are the facts.
4) for all i bitch, the man upstairs has blessed me with an incredible group of intelligent friends who are honest. thanks for that.
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Also worth noting on #2 that the source of what defiles is the heart. A person's heart, or more tangibly their mindset, desires, and values at any given time, are what they act on.
You will never be able to effectively do differently than you feel at a given time, so if you feel like you're missing something, you're going to act like you're missing something, or like you're trying not to act like you're missing something.
Watching what you say can minimize that damage, but the only way to really cut it out entirely is to change the content of your heart, which is something that can only be done by intercession.
Gah, I'm starting to sound like a puritan minister.
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