Packet Loss:
"The discarding of data packets in a network when a device (switch, router, etc.) is overloaded and cannot accept any incoming data at a given moment."
there is a point (now) when i feel overwhelmed. it's like someone took gratitude, loneliness, blessing, depression, bewilderment, awe, purposelessness and vision - add a pinch of this overcast north sydney day - and put everything in a blender. then that someone made me do a keg stand and drink it all, and a lot of me got lost in the transmission. the nausea comes and goes, there is elation in the morning (triggered by coffee?) and a deep abiding sense of sad solitude at night. all of this is somehow coupled with a dogged step-by-step determination to try and not give up.
i feel lost, and some days the only book of the Bible that makes sense to me is ecclesiastes. is it supposed to be this way? am i doing something wrong? in order for a problem to be fixed, one must know the source of the problem, and i'm clueless. it's not supposed to be God Almighty, but there are many days when it feels like He's the one behind it. then there are other days when i look at my fragile and strangely non-functional self and realize it's probably me.
it's like life is coming at me in tens and fifties and i can only handle ones and twos. i completely understand why some of you have given up - i think about it every day. the things i don't want i get, the things i want i don't. per st. paul, the things i want to do i don't, and the things i don't, i do.
at the end of the day, what is there for us here? what's the point? i've always heard pentecostal preachers rail against "waiting at the rapture bus stop for Jesus' return," but where else is our hope? in a world where we can't trust our own emotions, inclinations, instincts, or desires, and sometimes God's voice feels oh-so-very-made-up, what else is there to do but hope in heaven? it HAS to be better than this, right?
i'm not really attempting to be reasonable about this. it is, gasp, emotional. it is born of a weariness years in the making, the thrust of a brain and perhaps a heart in turmoil. it's so very frustrating because i can do nothing, and God seems unwilling to do it for me. but something has to break.
do you feel the same?
5 comments:
So much.
So, so much.
The tightness in my chest never goes away...
Overwhelmed isn't a big enough word to describe it.
yeah. it's there. i wish i weren't so typical-i tend to be creative in that space. i become inconsolable. and it's like you didn't even say how bad you really feel.
eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow...
yea... i do.
solomon felt that way too. ecclesiastes is in there for a reason. god created us with emotions. i think it's good to express them even if there's no sense to be made - it's acknowledging the creator's work... and ultimately glorifying him.
I do not feel the same, kind sir!
In a word, yes. Frequently. More often in the last year than ever before in my life. And while I have a general distaste for waxing spiritual and global in this context, I have more than a passing interest in the seemingly widespread nature of this disposition in this age, especially among even the most dedicated and passionate about their faith.
One of two things must be true:
1) Something, as you say, has to break
or
2) Something indeed is broken.
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