the last week has been a godawful mess, and i'm not sure why.
a) left out
i have a deep sense of being left out, and i'm not sure where the root of it is. it's not a specific feeling, as in "these certain friends of mine are hanging out and they didn't invite me," but more a vague harrowing sense that i'm missing out on life. that there are large quantities of people out there having fun without me. that there's an eternal party where nobody wakes up hungover or feels hollow or empty, where the sex and booze burst forth like an untainted hedonistic fountain.
and it's tough, because i rail against that feeling when i see it in others, i know how destructive it is, and it still plagues me. it makes me doubt God, it makes me doubt the choices i've made, and it makes me edge closer towards making bad choices. but it's all an emotion, it's not logical or revelatory truth.
it starts with a profound jealousy of a lifestyle that i have not chosen. many contemporary christians can say "i've been in the world, i've lived that way, there's nothing to it but heartache." but that's an experiential truth, and i haven't experienced it. all i have to go off of is faith, really. and faith gets swamped easily. the metaphysical pylons of my belief system are fairly sturdy, but the emotions come and go in spite of them.
i find myself having to mentally condemn lifestyles in order to convince myself that they're wrong. i believe there is evidence for their damage and trauma in the lives of the so-called "heathens" (and some so-called "christians") but this is a mental belief - not an emotional one. my emotions swing to the opposite pole, screaming "that would be amazing, you're missing out by abstaining." hedonism (and we use the word wrongly, with apologies to epicurus, bentham, and mill) is a philosophy of the emotions, not of will or reason. and for me, at least, its magnetic pull is directly proportional to the amount of time i've spent resisting it.
b) emotionalism vs. reason
i had a good conversation with a friend the other night, who stated that around 40% of the things i said "frustrated" her, because i came across so definitive and objective in the things i said. while on some things i am genuinely sure (philosophical and religious precepts that i've worked through, some moral matters), there are also cases, as discussed above, where i'm trying to convince my emotions that what my mind believes is true. which is why on some things i seem very sure, when there is actually a strong duality inside me between my emotions and my intelligence.
our contemporary society is entrenched in a worldview which considers emotion definitive. we live off our emotions, we are guided by them, we are evolved apes, instinct is everything, etc. i have a natural tendency towards being rational (i'm a MBTI intj/entj). i slice ideas and philosophies apart with my wicked blades of reason, usually without regards to the emotions people have attached to those ideas (after all, they're just ideas).
there are, of course, the aforementioned cases where i'm trying to convince parts of me that what i'm saying is correct. but in many cases i have considered the issue, formed a solid opinion about it, and am ready to defend that opinion. it takes serious and rational dissent to sway me. this is a well built metaphysical castle. the emotional thatch roof hut beside it, however, is slightly less solid.
all this rationality in my nature and decision making (despite my self-disciplinary failures) necessitates a large divide between me and the large majority of the population who decide how their lives will unfold by an emotionally-based process. we're not the same, and we probably never will be. which means that, in some sense, i give those types of people fits because i throw their lives into contrast, regardless of where any blame or moral truth might lie. i think i will always have to fight harder socially to win people over because of this. i only immediately connect with people who think as rationally as i do.
note, also, how critical and surgical the preceding paragraphs have been. i got to the end of them and realized how cleanly i've filleted my own emotions for the virtual world to see.
3) postscript
i don't know if there's an answer to any of this for me. there are times when i think i need to go off the deep end for a year or two (a veritable charismatic rumspringa) and come back convinced of the rightness of everything i'd held dear previously. i'm not sure that's the solution, though - i might cause myself a ridiculous amount of damage in the process, and i'd rather keep the streak of things i haven't done going. as the years wear on, however, i become more and more unique and find the pressure increasing, even if it's all from within.
does this make me a bad christian, or just honest?
a) left out
i have a deep sense of being left out, and i'm not sure where the root of it is. it's not a specific feeling, as in "these certain friends of mine are hanging out and they didn't invite me," but more a vague harrowing sense that i'm missing out on life. that there are large quantities of people out there having fun without me. that there's an eternal party where nobody wakes up hungover or feels hollow or empty, where the sex and booze burst forth like an untainted hedonistic fountain.
and it's tough, because i rail against that feeling when i see it in others, i know how destructive it is, and it still plagues me. it makes me doubt God, it makes me doubt the choices i've made, and it makes me edge closer towards making bad choices. but it's all an emotion, it's not logical or revelatory truth.
it starts with a profound jealousy of a lifestyle that i have not chosen. many contemporary christians can say "i've been in the world, i've lived that way, there's nothing to it but heartache." but that's an experiential truth, and i haven't experienced it. all i have to go off of is faith, really. and faith gets swamped easily. the metaphysical pylons of my belief system are fairly sturdy, but the emotions come and go in spite of them.
i find myself having to mentally condemn lifestyles in order to convince myself that they're wrong. i believe there is evidence for their damage and trauma in the lives of the so-called "heathens" (and some so-called "christians") but this is a mental belief - not an emotional one. my emotions swing to the opposite pole, screaming "that would be amazing, you're missing out by abstaining." hedonism (and we use the word wrongly, with apologies to epicurus, bentham, and mill) is a philosophy of the emotions, not of will or reason. and for me, at least, its magnetic pull is directly proportional to the amount of time i've spent resisting it.
b) emotionalism vs. reason
i had a good conversation with a friend the other night, who stated that around 40% of the things i said "frustrated" her, because i came across so definitive and objective in the things i said. while on some things i am genuinely sure (philosophical and religious precepts that i've worked through, some moral matters), there are also cases, as discussed above, where i'm trying to convince my emotions that what my mind believes is true. which is why on some things i seem very sure, when there is actually a strong duality inside me between my emotions and my intelligence.
our contemporary society is entrenched in a worldview which considers emotion definitive. we live off our emotions, we are guided by them, we are evolved apes, instinct is everything, etc. i have a natural tendency towards being rational (i'm a MBTI intj/entj). i slice ideas and philosophies apart with my wicked blades of reason, usually without regards to the emotions people have attached to those ideas (after all, they're just ideas).
there are, of course, the aforementioned cases where i'm trying to convince parts of me that what i'm saying is correct. but in many cases i have considered the issue, formed a solid opinion about it, and am ready to defend that opinion. it takes serious and rational dissent to sway me. this is a well built metaphysical castle. the emotional thatch roof hut beside it, however, is slightly less solid.
all this rationality in my nature and decision making (despite my self-disciplinary failures) necessitates a large divide between me and the large majority of the population who decide how their lives will unfold by an emotionally-based process. we're not the same, and we probably never will be. which means that, in some sense, i give those types of people fits because i throw their lives into contrast, regardless of where any blame or moral truth might lie. i think i will always have to fight harder socially to win people over because of this. i only immediately connect with people who think as rationally as i do.
note, also, how critical and surgical the preceding paragraphs have been. i got to the end of them and realized how cleanly i've filleted my own emotions for the virtual world to see.
3) postscript
i don't know if there's an answer to any of this for me. there are times when i think i need to go off the deep end for a year or two (a veritable charismatic rumspringa) and come back convinced of the rightness of everything i'd held dear previously. i'm not sure that's the solution, though - i might cause myself a ridiculous amount of damage in the process, and i'd rather keep the streak of things i haven't done going. as the years wear on, however, i become more and more unique and find the pressure increasing, even if it's all from within.
does this make me a bad christian, or just honest?
4 comments:
i'd say honest, you disect yourself and find your faults aswell as others and dont discriminate. honest
hmmm. my own experience has informed me of this truth-the ones who feel that they have certain aspects of life, dissected, labeled and surmised, tend to be the same folks whose ass hits the ground in a thunderous crash when they attempt to move outside of their realm of comfort. your grasp on emotional vs. logical assumptions fits nicely inside your hand because it is limited. not to say this is your fault.
i can really only talk with a sense of surety, about which i have experienced directly. from my own taste i find that i am convinced. living has many layers. as one gets older, more layers are acquired and understood. things do not get clearer. there are days, weeks, years, where nothing is logical, and events form no cohesive line.
(for the sake of the rest of us, pitch a huge fucking drunk. waste a shit load of money and have sex with someone you hate. it'll do you good to meet that other side of yourself that can't be reasoned away. or not. )
also, you are probably at the height of your opinion of yourself, right now. no responsibilities beyond yourself, lots of education and plenty of like minded peers. i was. i remember not feeling like i could even talk to people because they were so unenlightened, like me, and i was so capable of remaining objective about life. (audible laughter)
i like hearing your thoughts. really.
let's go with honest. In regards to part a.--Although I don't fight with those inner desires daily, as a woman who has a relationship with Jesus, I still am tempted awhole lot more than i'd ever like to admit it. Because i've been in that old lifestyle and it was empty and unfulfilling doesn't mean that it still doesn't lure me back into it-it's like ice candy dangling on a string right in front of me. It's like an addiction. Even if you've mastered the discipline and self-control to stay free from it, doesn't mean that you won't have tons of moments where you don't long to try it again--it's called humanity. Our flesh is weak right? Bottom line-at the end of day I've thought about it, but the truth remains: habits are hard to unlearn, and i know better than to just walk into that lifestyle and expect to be strong enough to come back out of it, so even though emotionally i may not feel like building up my spirit, I do anyway and subject my flesh to my spirit. I can't escape the well known fact that taking a step back means I have to redo the whole process, whether we see it or not we can prolong what's rightfully ours and just think, what if you're one notch away from what you've been storing up in heaven thats about to burst out here on earth? There's no avoiding it, we're called to be wise about living our lives even when we don't want to-and hey, alot of times I don't want to, but I gave over my desires a long time ago, it's not my life anyway it's God's.
i love your honesty, it's like poetry, shameless and free. You write what you think and say what needs to be said. Even some of the heroes I admire admit that walking with God and going through the journey is the hardest thing because God cares more about the process than the destination. It's easier to go another route, even if you just feel it's only for a period of time and not permanent, but it doesn't erase what's truth at the end of day-you know better and the fact that you're writing it all down and haven't done it yet, means you're a lot stronger than you think. I say keep fighting through it, it'd be nice to know a testimony of someone who kept at it even when the battle was raging deep inside him. keep writing!
yeah, I wish I HAD written that jared...
I would contribute but I feel she said everything that probably needs to be said.
You're great. Truly.
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