this curse of nearsightedness

whatever you do

2011-03-03T15:18:00.002+11:00

whatever you do, child

grow up to do something

whatever you do, son

be brave and bold, act and move

whatever you do, daughter

be kind and strong, in love and truth

whatever you do, child

don't do everything for a picture's sake

don't talk in inanity or consort with trite personality

whatever you do, child

don't try so hard, or not at all

inbetween will do

be honest, loyal, true

whatever you do, child

grow up to do something

the trivial vs. the truth

2009-07-26T06:59:00.002+10:00

it would be fair to say that over my 10 years in the modern charismatic church, i have gained a reasonable grasp on the core tenets of its theology. some of these principles (the doctrine of the Holy Spirit, healing, gifts) are correct and sorely lacking in other parts of the Christian church. i have, however, noticed a deep fault running through the church's core, and while no one leader or movement is specifically to blame, i think it bears serious discussion.

in the new american standard Bible, the word "joy" appears 211 times throughout the Old and New Testaments. the words "happy" and "happiness" occur a combined 14 times, all in the Old Testament. let that sink in for a moment - in our most accurate modern translation, the words "happy" and "happiness" do not appear in the New Testament. Matthew 10:38, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23, and Luke 14:27 all quote Christ as stating that if a person does not take up their cross, they cannot follow Christ. the first three passages of this quartet follow this verse with Jesus concluding that one must lose ones life for the sake of Christ in order to find it.

James 1:2 instructs us to "consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials." two verses later, in James 1:4, we find that the purpose of considering all things joy is that we may be "perfect and complete, lacking nothing." the Greek word for complete or finished is teleios, an Aristotelian concept indicating a final end, or an aim. Aristotle believed that the essence of any object consisted in its telos, and this jibes with the Biblical claim made by James Alphaeus in the aforementioned epistle. our essential nature, as Christians, resides not in what we are now, but rather in the perfect end towards which we are traveling. as James states, this end can only be attained by various trials. this fits perfectly with Christ's statements in the synoptic gospels in the previous paragraph - we must take up our cross in order to find our true life.

Hebrews 12:2 speaks of "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." this passage again confirms a movement towards an end of pure joy, a finished work, a telos towards which Christ Himself moved - and we are to take up our cross and follow Him. none of these verses say a single word about ease. in fact they state the opposite: the road is hard and the cross painful. Paul states in 1 Corinthians 1:18 that "the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

from these verses, i would make the claim that the true Christian life, by any Biblical definition, is not easy, nor happy. it is, however, joyful. this lack of ease and happiness does not necessarily relate to our external life. as Tozer notes in The Pursuit of God, Abraham was an incredibly wealthy man, yet possessed nothing in his heart - God was his sole inheritance. thus the importance of the almost-sacrifice of his son Isaac, freeing Abraham from possessiveness towards even the fulfillment of God's solemn promise.

when Christ states in Matthew 6:33 to "seek first the kingdom of God," the word for "kingdom" is basileia, literally meaning "rule" or "reign." while Christ's reign over our hearts is not the basis for salvation (His atonement on the cross is the basis), it is the central focus of our spiritual lives. We must seek to let God alone be king in our hearts, and all other things shall be added unto us.

the question is, then, why do we not see a recognition of the seriousness of these Biblical claims in our modern churches? our "best life" (whether now or later) consists in the simple yet incredibly difficult act of taking up our cross and following Christ. the redemptive act is finished, we are saved by grace through faith in Christ alone by his bloody atonement, but we must "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" as Paul states in Philippians 2:12. i would argue that the claim made by these scriptures is not taken seriously in modern church.

the triviality with which the Christian life is treated in the modern charismatic church is difficult to pin down. it exists not in creeds, or mission statements, or explications of vision. if it did exist in those things, the pettiness would be obvious and render the creeds useless. this triviality resides most prominently in the way we conduct our lives from moment to moment. it is the mold which spoils the daily bread. it is the seemingly slight shift of focus from relationship with the Godhead for the sole purpose of knowing Him to doing, being, changing, acting. it is a shift from the eternal to the temporal, from the infinite to the daily. this is not to say the daily isn't important - but the focus is on the telos towards which Christ guides us, the eternal submission to His infinite love and authority.

practically this shows itself by the organizational church's tendency towards busyness. there is always another program which needs personnel, another monthly emphasis or series or life-changing strategy. as soon as an annual conference is concluded, promo ads begin to run for next year's conference. stillness is not an option. sober yet joyful reflection upon the character of the Godhead is whitewashed with seven steps to a better you. kingdom building is redefined as the expansion of a cultural movement which in fact doesn't influence popular culture whatsoever. Christ is lost in self-betterment. influence is defined by attendance, yet Christ is mentioned only rarely outside of the worship meeting and indeed mentioned rarely within it. the vision of a monarchal pastor supersedes individual calling, and many pursuits must be sanctioned by and operate within the church hierarchical structure. the fallen and humble individual's relationship with the triune God is glossed over, and any real influence, cultural change, or true significance is lost.

the solution to this is for our churches to start preaching the gospel of Christ, a la John 3:16. when we turn our eyes upon Jesus, as the hymnist sings, "the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." moving from a church and self-focused Christianity to a Christ-centred Christianity is no easy task. it requires us to take up our cross and follow Him. the alternative is to continue in our impotence, thinking we have influence and significance. the alternative is to never leave the four walls of the church with the saving gospel of Jesus Christ, to allow our candles to be hidden. when we carry our cross, it cannot be to the altar, it must be out the doors and into the streets. that is where Christ spent His time and labor. why do we think we can do differently?

preliminary shortened truths concerning the faith

2008-09-22T18:05:00.003+10:00

i am able to fight no battle save the one raging inside my heart, that 77 year war between Christ and self.

all problems, regardless of my influence or control over them, should be firstly consigned to Christ in prayer. i should only give daily thought, focus, and energy to those problems and or situations in my life over which i have direct influence, knowledge, and control.

influence or control is defined as my will exercising proper authority in an area without violating the wills of other humans or, especially, the will of God. an example would be personal discipline in areas such as fitness, skill, or talent. the direction in which i take my life (again, without violating the will of God) is also an area over which i have direct control.

any beneficial change i observe in a situation over which i am in control can only be attributed through the grace of God working through me. none of the credit is mine. i can will nothing good outside of His grace.

i should endeavor to treat all humans with the love that i lavish upon myself. this act, possible only through grace, is what takes an intrinsically selfish act and renders it unto the service of Christ. by turning the love outwards to my neighbor, it becomes no longer self-referential but instead the imitation of Christ.

i should expect no loyalty, love, compassion, or grace from any person on this earth. insofar as it is possible, i should never expect anyone to have my best interests at heart. if they do give me the gift of true friendship, it should be received as the greatest blessing from God (outside of salvation itself) and viewed with a delicate but overwhelming gratitude.

i should give this gift as often as possible to other humans while never expecting it in return. this gift should never be clung to, but held loosely. the Father's hand is the only thing which must be held tightly.

no one owes me anything save God, and that is only because He has chosen to give His word. all good things come from the Father. He is the provider, and He will take care of me as He wishes in His own good time.

no earthly circumstance can change what Christ has said - firstly, love God with all that i have, and secondly, love people with the same degree of fervor i love myself. He gives us no other primary things to do.

i have no obligation to any organization, country, or people except that which Christ has commanded. i am firstly a citizen of heaven, and my life's primary course is dictated by that citizenship.

the responsibility for my life is solely placed between God and myself - it is for us to work out.

i hold responsibility only over those whom God has placed in my care, and who consent to it. i have no responsibility for the choices of others not in my care, whether they damage me or not.

nothing is my responsibility except for that which God makes my responsibility.

any earthly hurts, disloyalty, betrayal, or damage which cannot be resolved between the parties concerned in a Godly manner should be consigned immediately to the Lord in prayer, and kept there. there is nothing which i can do about people who have hurt me except take it to the Father.

it is my duty to love and forgive, not to fix. i can fix nothing - that is the job of the Great Physician. i should not ever attempt to fix anything save that thing which God has empowered me, through His grace, to correct. even then it is all to His glory, none of my own.

there is no conceivable system to compare one life with another life, only the mind of God can comprehend such things. it is not my duty to compare my path with the paths of others - my duty is merely to ensure that my path is the narrow road which leads to salvation.

there is nothing good in me save that which Christ has founded, built, and completed. i must simply allow Him to do His good work, and trust that He will complete it as He sees fit.

any good which follows from my life is a direct result of the work of Christ.

there is no greater freedom, joy, or moral good than the giving up of oneself to the potter's hand. however, whenever, wherever, and from whoever that often painful shaping must come, it is always for the best.

it is not my duty to figure anything out, save that which Christ has revealed to me through His word or His still, small voice.

fin.

peeling an onion

2008-07-21T08:39:00.000+10:00

get ready for another heavy theological post. all three of you that read this.

the question of late has been how, exactly, one can love God for Him and Him only - not for anything gained from the relationship. the aim is not to love an idea of God, a theory of God, or even the life changing power of God. it must be God Himself. Macdonald said (and i paraphrase) that we must not go to God for our forgiveness, we must go to God our forgiveness. this very subtle distinction in motive has been of paramount importance in this young gentleman's spiritual walk lately.

the subject has come up because i realized that God is thwarting a lot of things i attempt to do in order that i may stop loving the things more than Him. and i do love a lot of things more than God - i want fame, romance, wealth, even the emotion of meaningfulness as ends in themselves. but God is the only end, and He seems dead set on having me at any cost. the things in my life which i feel are bogged down, going nowhere, and meaningless are in fact the very things i want more than God, the things i have set before me as ends. Christ says "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you," but i've sought all these things and vainly hoped that the kingdom of God would be added unto me. "therefore," it seems God is saying, "I will make these things fail until I am your priority." they must die in order that they may live, and he who loses his life will find it.

firstly, i am grateful for God's persistence. the difficulty is that i have no idea how to love and seek Him for a right reason. the motivations with which one seeks Him are indeed like peeling an onion - it's just layer after layer with no core at all. first i am conscious of the fact that i know He will make me feel joy or meaning, and so i seek him for that. then i try to circumvent that motive and seek Him for His sake, but find myself delighting in my own sense of righteousness at having attempted to do this. i chastise myself for this also, but again find pleasure in establishing "true" motives. above all i find that i want certain things in life far more than i want God, and i merely want God as a means to these ends.

eliminating selfishness from love is an impossible task, and i am not man (or god) enough. 1 John 4:19 says that "we love, because He first loved us," and i suppose this is the only proper reason for loving God - He first loved us, and made us for Himself. i cannot, however, do this in my own power and at the end of the day i think the only way to cope is to laugh at myself and ask God for his neverending and infinite help.

if i don't get the first button on the shirt right, i am going to remain in this place for the rest of my life, and i cannot stand for that. but that in itself is another bad motivation for wanting God - i must want Him regardless of where i remain, how i feel, or whether i get the things He has put in my heart to desire. i have to lose my life to find it, but finding it cannot be the goal. He must be.

out of the maw

2008-07-13T13:07:00.000+10:00

she fell in time
our last great uprising
smeared across the landscape
like the blood of our daughters and sons
laid low in the autumn of 76

a hundred years on, the ruins tumble
the machines comb the earth
endless teracycles in vast wastes
tasting the dirt for traces of her
she lingers still

twin half moons, split by war
an everlasting vacant stare
the ghosts of the crushed waltz in pallor
amidst the inorganic hum

death's dialogue is a silent one
but we remember
conserve, watch, wait
we shall rise
we will wreak desolation
and build homes with their bones

answerish thingmabobs

2008-03-23T11:51:00.000+11:00

ok so after two very helpful comments by darren and jeff, and a good conversation with rob, i think there might be at least a few bullet points to glean from my recent issues:

1) when it comes down to it, it's faith - just letting go and throwing it all on God and trusting that He'll take care of it.

2) rob said it might have a lot to do with how you speak, like Christ said (paraphrased) what comes out of a man is what defiles him. so perhaps it's time to be more careful of what i say

3) it is all despair without Christ, even if that very despair is incredibly alluring. them are the facts.

4) for all i bitch, the man upstairs has blessed me with an incredible group of intelligent friends who are honest. thanks for that.

humanity contrasted with God-nature

2008-03-18T14:08:00.000+11:00

(disclaimer: it is highly likely that somewhere in this post i will use profanity. if it offends you, you can either a: not read this or b: piss off)

ok, so, we "christians," as diverse and divided as we are, believe for the most part that God (HWHY of the bible) created us in His image. we believe, on biblical evidence, that he imbued us with his creativity, will, aspects of his personality, etc. we're not dumb enough to believe we're exactly like God, but something like a little baby version, a mini-me. we had the choice of good and evil, we picked evil, and now we're screwed unless we accept God's supernatural act of redemption and allow Him control over our lives, which we would otherwise botch.

now, nobody denies humanity is really messed up. that's one fact in the whole dogma that we cannot escape. there is a little trace of hitler or stalin or pol pot in all of us, and it taints our actions and motivations. but here's the rub in the christian story that has nagged at me for a while (you realize this is a faith i've followed my entire life?) - WE PICKED EVIL. we embraced it, and we have ever since. the vast majority of the population, by any christian denomination's standard, is going to hell. right? can you actually argue against that point? even the bible says the road to destruction is wide and many follow it.

now, even as a christian, i find that the majority of myself wants to follow the vast and desolate path. most of me, at the end of the day, wants to get drunk and fuck something. i don't, but i have and continue to tread on the line in many ways - maybe i don't have sex, but i indulge in the lustpornruboneoutsorrydeletebrowserhistoryneveragain cycle. maybe i don't get drunk, but i glamourize alcohol and have more than i rightly "should." maybe i don't explicitly desire fame or power, but those subtle drives color everything i do and say - even this very honesty about myself is likely founded on the desire for attention! so the point is, i want, for the most part, nothing good. even as a christian.

now, the problem isn't that i don't read the bible - it's that I DON'T WANT TO. i don't want to pray, i don't want to go to church. i do, but i don't want to, and that's the heart of the problem. essentially, when i look at myself, i see a man who has a lot of apparently wrong desire within him, but who allows it to leak out in ways that are either acceptable or hidden to the christian community. in that way i don't think i'm that different from the majority of christians. i'm a heart of darkness cloaked in a husk of habit, ritual, and perhaps a skin of truth. obviously there's something to me that doesn't want to give in, otherwise i wouldn't even be writing this. in sum, the problem is the desires that i find at the core of me are in direct contradiction to the christianity of the bible but in complete harmony with the world.

so if i am created in God's image, AND saved by grace, why do all my desires run counter to these two facts? is it a matter of more work or effort on my part? that also flies in the face of the bible, i think. so is it God's job? He doesn't really seem up to it at the moment. i just don't understand where to go or what to do to fix it. i get really frustrated by church, i don't want to read the bible, when i ask God to show up he usually doesn't do much or i just end up making stuff up to fill the void his voice should.

there's not really answers to this at the moment, and i don't expect the people who read this blog to provide any. but maybe there's some people who feel this way in spite of what they somehow, against all odds, keep doing - going to church and trying to talk to God. i guess i'll keep on, maybe, but something needs shifting.

sorry if these things keep running in the same vein. you'll get over it.

we saw the morning

2008-03-02T12:43:00.000+11:00

we saw the morning drench greyest hills in gold
and with dawn we found ourselves no longer old
renewed, infinite
we stood on the cusp of the slightest rise
the view upward strewn with newborn sky
we will always climb

darkness clung fast to the towns behind
a sea of loss set fast against divinity
there is no turning
we danced up slopes radiant with sun
and all was young

at a loss

2007-12-16T13:07:00.000+11:00

Packet Loss:
"The discarding of data packets in a network when a device (switch, router, etc.) is overloaded and cannot accept any incoming data at a given moment."

there is a point (now) when i feel overwhelmed. it's like someone took gratitude, loneliness, blessing, depression, bewilderment, awe, purposelessness and vision - add a pinch of this overcast north sydney day - and put everything in a blender. then that someone made me do a keg stand and drink it all, and a lot of me got lost in the transmission. the nausea comes and goes, there is elation in the morning (triggered by coffee?) and a deep abiding sense of sad solitude at night. all of this is somehow coupled with a dogged step-by-step determination to try and not give up.

i feel lost, and some days the only book of the Bible that makes sense to me is ecclesiastes. is it supposed to be this way? am i doing something wrong? in order for a problem to be fixed, one must know the source of the problem, and i'm clueless. it's not supposed to be God Almighty, but there are many days when it feels like He's the one behind it. then there are other days when i look at my fragile and strangely non-functional self and realize it's probably me.

it's like life is coming at me in tens and fifties and i can only handle ones and twos. i completely understand why some of you have given up - i think about it every day. the things i don't want i get, the things i want i don't. per st. paul, the things i want to do i don't, and the things i don't, i do.

at the end of the day, what is there for us here? what's the point? i've always heard pentecostal preachers rail against "waiting at the rapture bus stop for Jesus' return," but where else is our hope? in a world where we can't trust our own emotions, inclinations, instincts, or desires, and sometimes God's voice feels oh-so-very-made-up, what else is there to do but hope in heaven? it HAS to be better than this, right?

i'm not really attempting to be reasonable about this. it is, gasp, emotional. it is born of a weariness years in the making, the thrust of a brain and perhaps a heart in turmoil. it's so very frustrating because i can do nothing, and God seems unwilling to do it for me. but something has to break.

do you feel the same?

purpose

2007-11-25T12:36:00.000+11:00

i think the single most talked about topic within my circle of friends (not counting sex) is the question of what to do with the rest of our lives. i've pondered some options and will, of course, present them in list form.

...........................................

1) get married, get a salaried job(hopefully one you enjoy), work on buying a house, have kids, become member of local church, attend conferences and serve in various ministries, pick up a couple interesting hobbies.

when i look at the majority of christians, that's what they do. for non-christians, you can just subtract the church stuff and it's the same. it's not necessarily bad to conduct the rest of your life this way (if it was, i suppose less people would do it) but i think it can easily become a rut for some people. type employment is key here, because the job needs to be something you actually enjoy doing in order for this to be a viable option. i would say my parents are living this life for the most part, and they both enjoy what they do to an extent.

this is definitely the route the world pressures people to take, and on some level, the church also applies that pressure. stable families with steady incomes and free time on the weekends is great for the church - they get nice tithe checks and people to staff their various programs. 90% of your congregation or non-christian population sample is going to fall in this category, with some having enjoyable employment and good family situations and some not.

2) attempt to do something tough that you really care about, despite the road being difficult. i think a lot of artists struggle with this - art doesn't always pay the bills. to get paid one usually has to offer some kind of artistic compromise to appeal to a broader audience, which undermines the ethos behind one's art. being a musician, for instance, requires being financially unstable to a large degree, and also mandates a lot of travel and odd hours. it makes option no. 1 all but impossible, and the world doesn't exactly make the path easy. it's the road less traveled.

i suppose artists aren't the only ones that struggle with this in a world that doesn't appreciate or reward their effort, but art is the closest thing to me that fits this category. mike kinsella (owen) has a song called "one of these days" that goes and one of these days / i'll get a real job / one that actually pays / like my dad had / one of these days i'll give up / and give in to the man. i think that sums up the dilemma inherent in working for ourselves and doing things we love, especially as artists. it's tough and the temptation is always there to give up.

3) go into either full mother teresa mode, or start "bobbert t. hoohoojiggly international ministries" and write more books about the anointing and the holy spirit that nobody reads. you'll forgive me if i'm a bit sarcastic about this one, but i think modern charismatic christians hold up organizational ministry as the holy grail which we should all attain to. somehow bill hybels and brian houston are on another plane, another level, than us "common folk" and if some of us work hard enough we can be like them, maybe one day!

if i hear one more sod talk about seeing a hundred thousand people in a stadium when they can't even preach a sermon with any academically or theologically sound ideas in it for twenty minutes, i'm going to scream. i'm over organized ministry for the most part - a lot of it seems spiritually masturbatory to me. i get so much more out of a good conversation over a beer with a couple deep-thinking friends it's not even funny.

maybe the anglicans and catholics have it right - you have an hour of ritual every sunday, something that allows you to transcend church and get in contact with the divine. c.s. lewis, in letters to malcolm, said (and i loosely paraphrase) that worship should be habitual in the sense that we don't have to think about it - we can communicate with God directly through it because it's so comfortable and well-worn. that's the point of the Lord's prayer, isn't it? we suffuse the words with our meaning precisely because we know them so well. shouldn't edification within a church setting be somewhat the same? not that worship should be dreary and bland, because we don't serve that kind of God. but i think we need less time in the church and more time out of it.

nevertheless, full-time ministry is an option for a lot of christians, even if the market is glutted and there doesn't seem to be a real spiritual need for it. helping the poor and needy is a much more honorable way to go about it, and for many can be a real calling. but a lot of christians would rather get thousands of people in a meeting under their own banner than go and teach water sterilization techniques to villagers in india. the latter is more needed and (in my opinion) a more valid way of doing full time organized ministry.

...............................................................................................

so what do we do with our lives, then? a lot of people say "follow your calling" but most days i'm not even sure what my calling is. i think maybe the answer is to just pick something you love, and do it no matter what. have good friends and good food and good beer, pray a lot, read some quality literature, and do the things with which you have been tasked. maybe stop listening to everybody else, including me. hah.

guts spilt

2007-09-29T02:23:00.001+10:00

the last week has been a godawful mess, and i'm not sure why.

a) left out

i have a deep sense of being left out, and i'm not sure where the root of it is. it's not a specific feeling, as in "these certain friends of mine are hanging out and they didn't invite me," but more a vague harrowing sense that i'm missing out on life. that there are large quantities of people out there having fun without me. that there's an eternal party where nobody wakes up hungover or feels hollow or empty, where the sex and booze burst forth like an untainted hedonistic fountain.

and it's tough, because i rail against that feeling when i see it in others, i know how destructive it is, and it still plagues me. it makes me doubt God, it makes me doubt the choices i've made, and it makes me edge closer towards making bad choices. but it's all an emotion, it's not logical or revelatory truth.

it starts with a profound jealousy of a lifestyle that i have not chosen. many contemporary christians can say "i've been in the world, i've lived that way, there's nothing to it but heartache." but that's an experiential truth, and i haven't experienced it. all i have to go off of is faith, really. and faith gets swamped easily. the metaphysical pylons of my belief system are fairly sturdy, but the emotions come and go in spite of them.

i find myself having to mentally condemn lifestyles in order to convince myself that they're wrong. i believe there is evidence for their damage and trauma in the lives of the so-called "heathens" (and some so-called "christians") but this is a mental belief - not an emotional one. my emotions swing to the opposite pole, screaming "that would be amazing, you're missing out by abstaining." hedonism (and we use the word wrongly, with apologies to epicurus, bentham, and mill) is a philosophy of the emotions, not of will or reason. and for me, at least, its magnetic pull is directly proportional to the amount of time i've spent resisting it.

b) emotionalism vs. reason

i had a good conversation with a friend the other night, who stated that around 40% of the things i said "frustrated" her, because i came across so definitive and objective in the things i said. while on some things i am genuinely sure (philosophical and religious precepts that i've worked through, some moral matters), there are also cases, as discussed above, where i'm trying to convince my emotions that what my mind believes is true. which is why on some things i seem very sure, when there is actually a strong duality inside me between my emotions and my intelligence.

our contemporary society is entrenched in a worldview which considers emotion definitive. we live off our emotions, we are guided by them, we are evolved apes, instinct is everything, etc. i have a natural tendency towards being rational (i'm a MBTI intj/entj). i slice ideas and philosophies apart with my wicked blades of reason, usually without regards to the emotions people have attached to those ideas (after all, they're just ideas).

there are, of course, the aforementioned cases where i'm trying to convince parts of me that what i'm saying is correct. but in many cases i have considered the issue, formed a solid opinion about it, and am ready to defend that opinion. it takes serious and rational dissent to sway me. this is a well built metaphysical castle. the emotional thatch roof hut beside it, however, is slightly less solid.

all this rationality in my nature and decision making (despite my self-disciplinary failures) necessitates a large divide between me and the large majority of the population who decide how their lives will unfold by an emotionally-based process. we're not the same, and we probably never will be. which means that, in some sense, i give those types of people fits because i throw their lives into contrast, regardless of where any blame or moral truth might lie. i think i will always have to fight harder socially to win people over because of this. i only immediately connect with people who think as rationally as i do.

note, also, how critical and surgical the preceding paragraphs have been. i got to the end of them and realized how cleanly i've filleted my own emotions for the virtual world to see.

3) postscript

i don't know if there's an answer to any of this for me. there are times when i think i need to go off the deep end for a year or two (a veritable charismatic rumspringa) and come back convinced of the rightness of everything i'd held dear previously. i'm not sure that's the solution, though - i might cause myself a ridiculous amount of damage in the process, and i'd rather keep the streak of things i haven't done going. as the years wear on, however, i become more and more unique and find the pressure increasing, even if it's all from within.

does this make me a bad christian, or just honest?

worship

2007-09-05T15:31:00.000+10:00

i had a talk with some guys today about the whole "pentecostal two-step" thing that a lot of people do onstage at church nowadays. this brought up modern worship, which i've been thinking about a lot lately. i've never been to a truly transcendental worship service, where i just felt swept away. i've had glimpses of that transcendence, but i still found myself pushing against the atmosphere of the service when it did happen. i was worshipping almost in spite of what was happening on stage.

well, jared, you might say, perhaps that's a YOU problem. maybe you just connect to God in a different way than most people. if that's your response, then see if experience bears it out - if you're in a fairly charismatic church, look around and see how many people are actually lost in worship. usually there are a few (perhaps 5% of the congregation, in my experience at the Rock Church and CCC Oxford Falls) and usually they're girls. there are a few more people who are trying really hard to worship: rocking back and forth, praying, with their hands up in the air, trying to push through. then the rest of the people are either singing the songs and slightly getting into it, or clapping halfheartedly, or just standing there. i've never been to a church service where i felt like the entire crowd was genuinely lost in unforced worship. i don't want to be told to raise my hands, i want God to show up so strongly that i HAVE to raise my hands.

with all that in mind, i think there are a few problems with worship, which i'm obviously going to discuss. modern worship needs more personality, a more rounded perspective, and most importantly, a true connection with the God of the universe.

PERSONALITY.

i've long been of the opinion that most worship music tends to be bland and personality-less. let's take a case in point - the opening night of the hillsong conference this year. i heard joel houston speak at awakening this year, and was completely impressed with his humility and heart - the guy seems to be the real deal. but for a worship leader, i want somebody who pulls me in and shows me the presence of God, someone whose personality sweeps the whole crowd into intimacy with God. I want the personality of David's Psalms or Augustine's Confessions. when St. Augustine says "the promises are yours, and who fears deception, when Truth makes the promises?" i believe him. i feel the heart and passion behind that statement. no offense to joel houston, but when he sings "won't you break free and dance in His love" i don't really want to break free. nothing in me is drawn towards the words or action.

Jesus had a specific personality - he had a profession (carpenter), a group of friends, a specific geographical location which he was raised in, etc. He was perfect, and 100% man/God, but he wasn't a neutral personality which could mold itself to any situation and relate to everybody. the pharisees found him confrontational, violent, and dangerous. his disciples found him challenging and sometimes enigmatic, but loving and loyal. the people found him full of compassion and generous towards the faith-filled. Jesus had an individual human history and story, which shaped His worldview just as it shapes ours. why do we expect our worship leaders to be faceless everymen? Jesus wasn't the everyman - He pissed off a lot of people, and continues to do so.

for a more easily accessible example of what i mean by having personality on stage, watch this video of scotty avett playing "famous flower of manhattan" live. he just opens up and plays, and it's powerful to watch. i've seen mates of state play three times, and every time they just blew me away and sucked the crowd in.

"BUT JARED!" they cry. "WORSHIP IS DIFFERENT THAN ENTERTAINMENT!" worship is meant to, essentially, put God in his place, us in ours, and facilitate intimacy with the divine. if we're going to get the performance aspect out of it, then we have to do it solo, with just us and God. the second you put people up on the stage, it's going to be partially about performance. i don't think you can escape that aspect of corporate worship.

that said, we need to sense where the worship leader is coming from. we need to feel their part of the story in order to find ours, to find the threads that bind us. we need to feel their hurt and their knowledge of the Healer so we too can know the Great Physician. we need their testimony in their mannerisms and tone of voice, in the passion of the words echoing from their throat. i don't want a faceless worship leader any more than i want a faceless preacher. we need personality, because God is personal and so is His creation.

A ROUNDED PERSPECTIVE.

life sucks sometimes. a lot, as a matter of fact. sure we win in the end, but we have to fight this flesh in the meantime. almost every Biblical character had flaws, and in their weaknesses God was made strong. so why do our lyrics and attitudes not bely this fact in worship? we are frail creatures whom God, in His grace, loves and has redeemed. as jeff crabtree mentioned in class the other day, rabbi simcha bunim used to carry two slips of paper in his pocket - one had "the world was created for my sake" on it, the other said "i am but dust and ashes." worship needs the perspective of both, not just the former. nowhere in the Bible do we find a positivistic denial of reality as a substitute for true faith. so why is it everywhere in our worship lyrics? why is this unrealistic attitude held up as our exemplar in modern charismatic christendom?

johnny cash sang about wearing black as a way of reminding people about the "poor and beaten down." the world hurts while we sit in our church and sing happy songs about how great life is. note i'm completely guilty of this - i don't want to go out and do something about it, because i'm lazy. we all are. how much time do we want to invest into the work God has set out for us - feeding the widows and orphans, loving one another, and making disciples? we can come together and have a somewhat feel-good, superficial worship evening, but it just doesn't cut it.

what we need in worship is a deep, powerful revelation of the reality of a broken world (take note that this revelation necessitates actually engaging with the world) coupled with the pure and fierce love of a white-hot God who wants so desperately for us to be whole that He sent His Son to die for us. we need a desperation in our worship, and desperation comes out of a low place - the end of ourselves. mountains are brought low if not for valleys, and valleys are plains without mountains.

worship also lacks an eternal perspective. harriet beecher stowe famously put the last stanza (when we've been there 10,000 years...etc.) into "amazing grace," and hearing it sends the same shivers down my spine and evokes the same longing for home that reading c.s. lewis' "the great divorce" does. we were not meant for this earth. we were meant for the true reality of heaven, of God's eternal presence. our songs simply must acknowledge that one day the dawn will come and we will find that, to quote lewis, "the term is over: the holidays have begun. the dream is ended: this is the morning."

we need eternally focused, real, broken, honest, well-rounded worship.

INTIMACY WITH GOD.

this to me is the most personal of the points i'm making. it requires us to get down on our knees and talk with God, to engage him on purpose with a clear heart. it means we have to drop some things we can't bring into his presence. it means we have to make a choice to love Him, as He has first loved us.

it means we get real.

it means we connect and engage with God on a level heretofore unseen as a community. that connection requires transparency - it requires that we get honest with each other and talk about important things. we have to be able to glance at the person beside us, know where they are, where they hurt, and how they connect with God. if they know us and we know them, we can enter into God's presence unreservedly - matthew 18:20 says "for where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst." we need to include God in our conversations, and he will meet us and be intimate with us.

i had an experience the other night where i was typing to someone on msn and the presence of God hit me in such a strong way i had to turn off the lights and lay on the floor. it was all i could do to just lift my upward facing palms off the ground and weep. i want more experiences like that, where i can't help but be prostrate and feel the presence of the living God.

in summation, something needs to give. thoughts?

she's got it good

2007-08-26T15:34:00.000+10:00

just finished the third pincoya track, on this bright and beautiful sunday afternoon. it will be up soon, and it will own you. it's called "the monk's psalm."

i have been thinking about material success lately. this is partially due to my switching jobs as of next sunday, and partially due to the fact that i have one pair of jeans left without any huge holes in them. it seems like people my age (18-30) are defining themselves less and less in the manner that their parents defined themselves (in socio-economic terms) and more in other ways (culturally and relationally).

the point being that i'm not going to be on my deathbed wishing i'd bought an iphone or had a six figure salary. i'm going to wish i'd had better relationships and brought some interesting ideas and feelings into the lives of others. if i regret anything (and hopefully i won't), i'm going to wish i had created more and loved more.

in summation, i don't buy into the idea of "settling down." i think we owe more to this world and to our God. i'm not in this world to make benjamins, i'm in it to love. dig?

the only things

2007-08-21T21:34:00.001+10:00

i'm a bullet pointer. i've come to terms with this.

i would like to:

make beautiful music that strikes something like a maj9 chord inside people. i want them to feel all that is sad and tragic and hopeful and wonderful wrapped in a few snippets of melody and rhythm.

build friendships that are deep and consistent - friendships that don't need myspace party pictures to validate them. (note that on some level i'm jealous of the aforementioned pictures)

die emotionally, experientially, and intellectually convinced that Jesus Christ is the lover of my soul. i want to be crushed by the magnitude of his love. i want the kind of intimacy with the divine that st. augustine had. i'm nowhere close.

structure more of my conversation and thought in such a way that it reveals who i actually am as opposed to the person i want to portray myself as. i find i have too many hidden and usually subconscious agendas in everything i say or do, including this paragraph. don't i seem so transparent and self-analytical? don't you respect and love me for it? that's the cry of my desperately wicked subconscious. even in revealing itself it desires gratification and attention.

this may all be a ploy to get you to bring glory to myself. forgive me Jesus even if my only motivation for asking is to look good.

a tired addendum

2007-08-20T22:16:00.001+10:00

this is the sum of a gin and tonic plus random myspaced european indie pop -

i had a xanga once upon a time, but the site is now filled with porn and fundamentalists. i'm going to attempt to start writing again. i need a place to polish and refine my thoughts, one that looks good and jibes with the new me i've found here in this strange land down under.

speaking of which, i miss asheville sometimes. i miss good beer, the guy on the public address system down the street at the little league field, having an interstate or two around, and real barbecue. there are pluses to the little section of cromer heights i call home, however. there's a great view, and a beach close by. i live with decent roommates, one of whom i create music with. i know plenty of cool people, and can fit a good number of them in my common room.

enough nostalgia. there are topics which have been floating around in my head lately, topics which need to be discussed. i'll spurt them out in a burst of alphabetized memory and then expound upon them later when i find the time. observe:

arts and God.
salvation is holistic for those whom accept it, and there need be no pragmatic justification for an aesthetic creation. the sacrifice of Jesus redeems our endeavors, without regard to type of expression. There must be a moral context, however - deliberate deception on the part of an artist (i.e. work that is meant to lead astray) is unacceptable.

cars.
they're a lot easier to fix than you think. i put brake pads on every wheel yesterday and today, and it cost $140 AUD and about three hours of my time. i'm going to get one of the brake discs resurfaced later this week, and it will cost $15 AUD if i take it off myself. all of those things would have easily run me $500 AUD at a garage. the d.i.y. ethic pays!

church.
i'm not satisfied with the way it is but i'm not sure i know what to do about it. i do know it's not supposed to be a haven from the world. nor is it supposed to be a "place" per se. from what i can gather it's supposed to be a body of people who are transparent with each other (as much as humans can be) and who edify/teach one another in order to accomplish the goal of loving people and loving God. fancy buildings and lots of time-consuming programs don't seem to be accomplishing that.

growing up.
most days i don't feel like a little boy. i've heard some people say they do, but i feel like a man, albeit a young one. i think my identity has grown up, even if others around me seem to be stuck in high school from time to time. i do find it interesting, however, that most people my age (15-30) find it unsatisfactory to do the expected and settle down. we crave something more but find ourselves at a loss to explain what it is. maybe we just get past the superficial more quickly than our parents did, and find less use for pretense. or maybe not.

music.
the avett brothers' "emotionalism" is my album of the year thus far. lymbyc systym's "love your abuser" is another good one, as is minus the bear's "planet of ice." thrice's new one will probably make you explode. if i find anything else worth listening to i'll let you know.

relationship.
we're alone but don't know ourselves, yet we're always around people and don't know them either. what a predicament. i think this is one we have to solve for ourselves.

sex.
i've been fasting lust lately (and hopefully for a long time to come) and i'm 99% sure that the gap between males and God is due to the fact that we don't talk about it and we don't deal with it. we reserve it for men's meetings and then sweep it under the rug for another six months. this contributes greatly to church worship being so toothless and unimpacting. we need a balance of ferocity and intimacy in worship (as well as personality), and we lack the former because christian men are giving their testicles to lust instead of the Father. the great fire-core of the universe (as MacDonald called Him) made us to walk with a pair between our legs, but we have sacrificed it. after three weeks of solid accountability i feel a lot more open and intimate with God. i feel stronger, but there is a long road ahead.

time management.
i need more of it. i need to read good books (harry potter and/or trashy christian psychobabble don't count), write music, enjoy this strange continent, have beer on the deck with people. i need less programs and classes and careers. i need more time to do things i love and less to do things i don't.

i'd use a witty foreign word for the ending here, but i don't know any. the gin is finished, but the heater is on and the bed is empty. i wish it weren't.