whatever you do

whatever you do, child

grow up to do something

whatever you do, son

be brave and bold, act and move

whatever you do, daughter

be kind and strong, in love and truth

whatever you do, child

don't do everything for a picture's sake

don't talk in inanity or consort with trite personality

whatever you do, child

don't try so hard, or not at all

inbetween will do

be honest, loyal, true

whatever you do, child

grow up to do something

the trivial vs. the truth

it would be fair to say that over my 10 years in the modern charismatic church, i have gained a reasonable grasp on the core tenets of its theology. some of these principles (the doctrine of the Holy Spirit, healing, gifts) are correct and sorely lacking in other parts of the Christian church. i have, however, noticed a deep fault running through the church's core, and while no one leader or movement is specifically to blame, i think it bears serious discussion.

in the new american standard Bible, the word "joy" appears 211 times throughout the Old and New Testaments. the words "happy" and "happiness" occur a combined 14 times, all in the Old Testament. let that sink in for a moment - in our most accurate modern translation, the words "happy" and "happiness" do not appear in the New Testament. Matthew 10:38, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23, and Luke 14:27 all quote Christ as stating that if a person does not take up their cross, they cannot follow Christ. the first three passages of this quartet follow this verse with Jesus concluding that one must lose ones life for the sake of Christ in order to find it.

James 1:2 instructs us to "consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials." two verses later, in James 1:4, we find that the purpose of considering all things joy is that we may be "perfect and complete, lacking nothing." the Greek word for complete or finished is teleios, an Aristotelian concept indicating a final end, or an aim. Aristotle believed that the essence of any object consisted in its telos, and this jibes with the Biblical claim made by James Alphaeus in the aforementioned epistle. our essential nature, as Christians, resides not in what we are now, but rather in the perfect end towards which we are traveling. as James states, this end can only be attained by various trials. this fits perfectly with Christ's statements in the synoptic gospels in the previous paragraph - we must take up our cross in order to find our true life.

Hebrews 12:2 speaks of "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." this passage again confirms a movement towards an end of pure joy, a finished work, a telos towards which Christ Himself moved - and we are to take up our cross and follow Him. none of these verses say a single word about ease. in fact they state the opposite: the road is hard and the cross painful. Paul states in 1 Corinthians 1:18 that "the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

from these verses, i would make the claim that the true Christian life, by any Biblical definition, is not easy, nor happy. it is, however, joyful. this lack of ease and happiness does not necessarily relate to our external life. as Tozer notes in The Pursuit of God, Abraham was an incredibly wealthy man, yet possessed nothing in his heart - God was his sole inheritance. thus the importance of the almost-sacrifice of his son Isaac, freeing Abraham from possessiveness towards even the fulfillment of God's solemn promise.

when Christ states in Matthew 6:33 to "seek first the kingdom of God," the word for "kingdom" is basileia, literally meaning "rule" or "reign." while Christ's reign over our hearts is not the basis for salvation (His atonement on the cross is the basis), it is the central focus of our spiritual lives. We must seek to let God alone be king in our hearts, and all other things shall be added unto us.

the question is, then, why do we not see a recognition of the seriousness of these Biblical claims in our modern churches? our "best life" (whether now or later) consists in the simple yet incredibly difficult act of taking up our cross and following Christ. the redemptive act is finished, we are saved by grace through faith in Christ alone by his bloody atonement, but we must "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" as Paul states in Philippians 2:12. i would argue that the claim made by these scriptures is not taken seriously in modern church.

the triviality with which the Christian life is treated in the modern charismatic church is difficult to pin down. it exists not in creeds, or mission statements, or explications of vision. if it did exist in those things, the pettiness would be obvious and render the creeds useless. this triviality resides most prominently in the way we conduct our lives from moment to moment. it is the mold which spoils the daily bread. it is the seemingly slight shift of focus from relationship with the Godhead for the sole purpose of knowing Him to doing, being, changing, acting. it is a shift from the eternal to the temporal, from the infinite to the daily. this is not to say the daily isn't important - but the focus is on the telos towards which Christ guides us, the eternal submission to His infinite love and authority.

practically this shows itself by the organizational church's tendency towards busyness. there is always another program which needs personnel, another monthly emphasis or series or life-changing strategy. as soon as an annual conference is concluded, promo ads begin to run for next year's conference. stillness is not an option. sober yet joyful reflection upon the character of the Godhead is whitewashed with seven steps to a better you. kingdom building is redefined as the expansion of a cultural movement which in fact doesn't influence popular culture whatsoever. Christ is lost in self-betterment. influence is defined by attendance, yet Christ is mentioned only rarely outside of the worship meeting and indeed mentioned rarely within it. the vision of a monarchal pastor supersedes individual calling, and many pursuits must be sanctioned by and operate within the church hierarchical structure. the fallen and humble individual's relationship with the triune God is glossed over, and any real influence, cultural change, or true significance is lost.

the solution to this is for our churches to start preaching the gospel of Christ, a la John 3:16. when we turn our eyes upon Jesus, as the hymnist sings, "the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." moving from a church and self-focused Christianity to a Christ-centred Christianity is no easy task. it requires us to take up our cross and follow Him. the alternative is to continue in our impotence, thinking we have influence and significance. the alternative is to never leave the four walls of the church with the saving gospel of Jesus Christ, to allow our candles to be hidden. when we carry our cross, it cannot be to the altar, it must be out the doors and into the streets. that is where Christ spent His time and labor. why do we think we can do differently?

preliminary shortened truths concerning the faith

i am able to fight no battle save the one raging inside my heart, that 77 year war between Christ and self.

all problems, regardless of my influence or control over them, should be firstly consigned to Christ in prayer. i should only give daily thought, focus, and energy to those problems and or situations in my life over which i have direct influence, knowledge, and control.

influence or control is defined as my will exercising proper authority in an area without violating the wills of other humans or, especially, the will of God. an example would be personal discipline in areas such as fitness, skill, or talent. the direction in which i take my life (again, without violating the will of God) is also an area over which i have direct control.

any beneficial change i observe in a situation over which i am in control can only be attributed through the grace of God working through me. none of the credit is mine. i can will nothing good outside of His grace.

i should endeavor to treat all humans with the love that i lavish upon myself. this act, possible only through grace, is what takes an intrinsically selfish act and renders it unto the service of Christ. by turning the love outwards to my neighbor, it becomes no longer self-referential but instead the imitation of Christ.

i should expect no loyalty, love, compassion, or grace from any person on this earth. insofar as it is possible, i should never expect anyone to have my best interests at heart. if they do give me the gift of true friendship, it should be received as the greatest blessing from God (outside of salvation itself) and viewed with a delicate but overwhelming gratitude.

i should give this gift as often as possible to other humans while never expecting it in return. this gift should never be clung to, but held loosely. the Father's hand is the only thing which must be held tightly.

no one owes me anything save God, and that is only because He has chosen to give His word. all good things come from the Father. He is the provider, and He will take care of me as He wishes in His own good time.

no earthly circumstance can change what Christ has said - firstly, love God with all that i have, and secondly, love people with the same degree of fervor i love myself. He gives us no other primary things to do.

i have no obligation to any organization, country, or people except that which Christ has commanded. i am firstly a citizen of heaven, and my life's primary course is dictated by that citizenship.

the responsibility for my life is solely placed between God and myself - it is for us to work out.

i hold responsibility only over those whom God has placed in my care, and who consent to it. i have no responsibility for the choices of others not in my care, whether they damage me or not.

nothing is my responsibility except for that which God makes my responsibility.

any earthly hurts, disloyalty, betrayal, or damage which cannot be resolved between the parties concerned in a Godly manner should be consigned immediately to the Lord in prayer, and kept there. there is nothing which i can do about people who have hurt me except take it to the Father.

it is my duty to love and forgive, not to fix. i can fix nothing - that is the job of the Great Physician. i should not ever attempt to fix anything save that thing which God has empowered me, through His grace, to correct. even then it is all to His glory, none of my own.

there is no conceivable system to compare one life with another life, only the mind of God can comprehend such things. it is not my duty to compare my path with the paths of others - my duty is merely to ensure that my path is the narrow road which leads to salvation.

there is nothing good in me save that which Christ has founded, built, and completed. i must simply allow Him to do His good work, and trust that He will complete it as He sees fit.

any good which follows from my life is a direct result of the work of Christ.

there is no greater freedom, joy, or moral good than the giving up of oneself to the potter's hand. however, whenever, wherever, and from whoever that often painful shaping must come, it is always for the best.

it is not my duty to figure anything out, save that which Christ has revealed to me through His word or His still, small voice.

fin.

peeling an onion

get ready for another heavy theological post. all three of you that read this.

the question of late has been how, exactly, one can love God for Him and Him only - not for anything gained from the relationship. the aim is not to love an idea of God, a theory of God, or even the life changing power of God. it must be God Himself. Macdonald said (and i paraphrase) that we must not go to God for our forgiveness, we must go to God our forgiveness. this very subtle distinction in motive has been of paramount importance in this young gentleman's spiritual walk lately.

the subject has come up because i realized that God is thwarting a lot of things i attempt to do in order that i may stop loving the things more than Him. and i do love a lot of things more than God - i want fame, romance, wealth, even the emotion of meaningfulness as ends in themselves. but God is the only end, and He seems dead set on having me at any cost. the things in my life which i feel are bogged down, going nowhere, and meaningless are in fact the very things i want more than God, the things i have set before me as ends. Christ says "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you," but i've sought all these things and vainly hoped that the kingdom of God would be added unto me. "therefore," it seems God is saying, "I will make these things fail until I am your priority." they must die in order that they may live, and he who loses his life will find it.

firstly, i am grateful for God's persistence. the difficulty is that i have no idea how to love and seek Him for a right reason. the motivations with which one seeks Him are indeed like peeling an onion - it's just layer after layer with no core at all. first i am conscious of the fact that i know He will make me feel joy or meaning, and so i seek him for that. then i try to circumvent that motive and seek Him for His sake, but find myself delighting in my own sense of righteousness at having attempted to do this. i chastise myself for this also, but again find pleasure in establishing "true" motives. above all i find that i want certain things in life far more than i want God, and i merely want God as a means to these ends.

eliminating selfishness from love is an impossible task, and i am not man (or god) enough. 1 John 4:19 says that "we love, because He first loved us," and i suppose this is the only proper reason for loving God - He first loved us, and made us for Himself. i cannot, however, do this in my own power and at the end of the day i think the only way to cope is to laugh at myself and ask God for his neverending and infinite help.

if i don't get the first button on the shirt right, i am going to remain in this place for the rest of my life, and i cannot stand for that. but that in itself is another bad motivation for wanting God - i must want Him regardless of where i remain, how i feel, or whether i get the things He has put in my heart to desire. i have to lose my life to find it, but finding it cannot be the goal. He must be.

out of the maw

she fell in time
our last great uprising
smeared across the landscape
like the blood of our daughters and sons
laid low in the autumn of 76

a hundred years on, the ruins tumble
the machines comb the earth
endless teracycles in vast wastes
tasting the dirt for traces of her
she lingers still

twin half moons, split by war
an everlasting vacant stare
the ghosts of the crushed waltz in pallor
amidst the inorganic hum

death's dialogue is a silent one
but we remember
conserve, watch, wait
we shall rise
we will wreak desolation
and build homes with their bones

answerish thingmabobs

ok so after two very helpful comments by darren and jeff, and a good conversation with rob, i think there might be at least a few bullet points to glean from my recent issues:

1) when it comes down to it, it's faith - just letting go and throwing it all on God and trusting that He'll take care of it.

2) rob said it might have a lot to do with how you speak, like Christ said (paraphrased) what comes out of a man is what defiles him. so perhaps it's time to be more careful of what i say

3) it is all despair without Christ, even if that very despair is incredibly alluring. them are the facts.

4) for all i bitch, the man upstairs has blessed me with an incredible group of intelligent friends who are honest. thanks for that.

humanity contrasted with God-nature

(disclaimer: it is highly likely that somewhere in this post i will use profanity. if it offends you, you can either a: not read this or b: piss off)

ok, so, we "christians," as diverse and divided as we are, believe for the most part that God (HWHY of the bible) created us in His image. we believe, on biblical evidence, that he imbued us with his creativity, will, aspects of his personality, etc. we're not dumb enough to believe we're exactly like God, but something like a little baby version, a mini-me. we had the choice of good and evil, we picked evil, and now we're screwed unless we accept God's supernatural act of redemption and allow Him control over our lives, which we would otherwise botch.

now, nobody denies humanity is really messed up. that's one fact in the whole dogma that we cannot escape. there is a little trace of hitler or stalin or pol pot in all of us, and it taints our actions and motivations. but here's the rub in the christian story that has nagged at me for a while (you realize this is a faith i've followed my entire life?) - WE PICKED EVIL. we embraced it, and we have ever since. the vast majority of the population, by any christian denomination's standard, is going to hell. right? can you actually argue against that point? even the bible says the road to destruction is wide and many follow it.

now, even as a christian, i find that the majority of myself wants to follow the vast and desolate path. most of me, at the end of the day, wants to get drunk and fuck something. i don't, but i have and continue to tread on the line in many ways - maybe i don't have sex, but i indulge in the lustpornruboneoutsorrydeletebrowserhistoryneveragain cycle. maybe i don't get drunk, but i glamourize alcohol and have more than i rightly "should." maybe i don't explicitly desire fame or power, but those subtle drives color everything i do and say - even this very honesty about myself is likely founded on the desire for attention! so the point is, i want, for the most part, nothing good. even as a christian.

now, the problem isn't that i don't read the bible - it's that I DON'T WANT TO. i don't want to pray, i don't want to go to church. i do, but i don't want to, and that's the heart of the problem. essentially, when i look at myself, i see a man who has a lot of apparently wrong desire within him, but who allows it to leak out in ways that are either acceptable or hidden to the christian community. in that way i don't think i'm that different from the majority of christians. i'm a heart of darkness cloaked in a husk of habit, ritual, and perhaps a skin of truth. obviously there's something to me that doesn't want to give in, otherwise i wouldn't even be writing this. in sum, the problem is the desires that i find at the core of me are in direct contradiction to the christianity of the bible but in complete harmony with the world.

so if i am created in God's image, AND saved by grace, why do all my desires run counter to these two facts? is it a matter of more work or effort on my part? that also flies in the face of the bible, i think. so is it God's job? He doesn't really seem up to it at the moment. i just don't understand where to go or what to do to fix it. i get really frustrated by church, i don't want to read the bible, when i ask God to show up he usually doesn't do much or i just end up making stuff up to fill the void his voice should.

there's not really answers to this at the moment, and i don't expect the people who read this blog to provide any. but maybe there's some people who feel this way in spite of what they somehow, against all odds, keep doing - going to church and trying to talk to God. i guess i'll keep on, maybe, but something needs shifting.

sorry if these things keep running in the same vein. you'll get over it.